Speaking the Truth in Love

We’ve all heard the person who says, “I’m telling you this because I love you,” before they cut into you with laser sharpness or verbally offer what feels more like a sucker punch or a slap.

That is not at all what Ephesians 4:15 is saying to do when it says, “But speaking the truth in love, may grow up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ:”

Let’s actually look at some context by reading the entire statement that Paul is making and see if that helps us understand what this should look like.

“1 I therefore, the prisoner in the Lord, beg you to walk worthily of the calling with which you were called, 2 with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, 3 being eager to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. 4 There is one body and one Spirit, even as you also were called in one hope of your calling, 5 one Lord, one faith, one immersion, 6 one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all, and in us all. 7 But to each one of us, the grace was given according to the measure of the gift of Messiah. 8 Therefore he says,

“When he ascended on high,
he led captivity captive,
and gave gifts to people.”

9 Now this, “He ascended”, what is it but that he also first descended into the lower parts of the earth? 10 He who descended is the one who also ascended far above all the heavens, that he might fill all things.

11 He gave some to be emissaries; and some, prophets; and some, evangelists; and some, shepherds and teachers; 12 for the perfecting of the holy ones, to the work of serving, to the building up of the body of Messiah, 13 until we all attain to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to a full grown man, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Messiah, 14 that we may no longer be children, tossed back and forth and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, in craftiness, after the wiles of error; 15 but speaking truth in love, we may grow up in all things into him who is the head, Messiah, 16 from whom all the body, being fitted and knit together through that which every joint supplies, according to the working in measure of each individual part, makes the body increase to the building up of itself in love.”

Paul starts by laying out the Gospel as a reminder of why we need to walk in a way that properly reflects our calling. He encourages believers to be humble, gentle, patient, and to “bear with one another” in love.

In what Paul wrote in the Greek the ideas of “humble” and “gentle” are connected in a way that explains the variety of translations of the idea here. You might encounter “lowliness and humility” or “humility and gentleness”, but the lightbulb came on for me when I learned about the Jewish understanding of humility.

In Hebrew thought humility is expressed as taking up exactly as much space in the world as God created you to take. No more – as that would reflect thinking yourself better than others and trying to steal the space God intended for them). No less – as that would reflect a lack of understanding of who you were created to be that rejects God’s intentions in making you. Trying to steal someone else’s space is as inappropriate as attempting to leave space empty as though God made a mistake in who He created you to be.

Humility is the what – gentleness is the how.

Paul is talking with believers about accepting who God created them to be, the space He intended them to take up, and the purposes He created them to fulfill . . . in community. And as these believers are coming to understand and figure out who God intended them to be, the space He intended them to fill, add the purposes He intended them to accomplish, they are going to bump into each other. They are going to find they are trying to steal this person’s space while also leaving space intended for them empty – resulting in jobs undone. They are going to make mistakes as they shed their junk from their pagan lives, and as they try to understand and embrace the walk God put before them.

Doing that and maintaining relationship requires everyone involved to be gentle with one another. Lowliness and humility means being willing to admit when you overstepped and the attitude with which we tell someone they overstepped . . . as well as how we encourage them to consider whether they were intended to actually fill the space they don’t feel worthy to fill. Humility is the what – gentleness is the how.

Paul gives us an example of how to speak the truth in love.

He then references Psalm 68:18

18 You have ascended on high.
You have led away captives.
You have received gifts among people,
yes, among the rebellious also, that the LORD God might dwell there.

It stands out to me that he left off that last line, but it wouldn’t have been lost on his audience in that day. Paul gives us an example of how to speak the truth in love. The reader gets the message that they are the rebellious people that the Lord is bringing gifts, without Paul coming out and calling anyone rebellious. Paul is gentle and humble because he is the one delivering the message but he is not the Holy Spirit who is responsible for doing the work of convicting.

Paul then lists some specific jobs that God calls various people to fulfill.  My understanding of these roles has changed since I began studying them from a Hebraic perspective and trying to look at how they were expressed and fulfilled in Paul’s world as a Pharisee.

emissaries – those who are commissioned to take the message out to the world beyond the church walls and establish new communities of believers

prophets – those who understand the Word of God in Scripture and can help translate it for their community while being connected to God with a spiritual awareness that allows them to see how and when those truths of God’s Word apply to an immediate situation

evangelists – those who are called to brightly shine God’s love and truth into the world by the very way they live and share their love with those around them, serving as a beacon that calls others to want to know what is fueling their brightness

shepherds – those who are called to serve and love a particular community and serve as overseers responsible for feeding, nurturing and growing them up while keeping predators from entering the community and being able to attack

teachers – those who have a gift for explaining the truths of Scripture that apply to how we are to live and what we need to understand in order to walk a faithful life

Why did God assign people to these roles?

12 for the perfecting of the holy ones, to the work of serving, to the building up of the body of Messiah,

How long will we need people in these roles?

13 until we all attain to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to a full grown man, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Messiah,

What are they protecting us from until then?

14 that we may no longer be children, tossed back and forth and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, in craftiness, after the wiles of error;

How are they supposed to accomplish this?

15 but speaking truth in love, we may grow up in all things into him who is the head, Messiah,

What will it look like when they do their job right and we grow up into full grown adults in the faith and reach the measure of the stature of the fullness of Messiah?

16 from whom all the body, being fitted and knit together through that which every joint supplies, according to the working in measure of each individual part, makes the body increase to the building up of itself in love.  

The truth that needs to be spoken is Biblical Truth

This is a beautiful example of where the sum is greater than the whole of its parts.  Paul has provided us with a roadmap to maturity in the faithful walk of a believer and a picture of how to create an environment that nurtures them along that road.  The truth that needs to be spoken is Biblical Truth – starting with the Gospel and moving through the instructions that God gives us for how to live, how to worship, how to interact with each other in a Godly way, and everything Scripture provides for the boundaries and direction in our lives.

God wants us to learn these things in community with other people who are also learning these things. Those called to roles of authority in these communities are tasked with a very important job of protecting the “sheep” from the things they don’t know are waiting to take them down – paths that are not safe for them to go down, wolves who would kill them and use their skin to deceive others into thinking they are also an innocent sheep, and all manner of things that are able to discourage us and cause us to be fearful.

Love is the context that allows you to speak Truth

The only people we will be able to hear speak Truth into our lives are those we already trust and know love us. They are the people we will feel safe going to when we struggle.  They are the people who will know us well enough to know when to speak and when not to speak.  They are the people who know us well enough to know HOW to speak to us so that we can hear.  Love is the context that allows you to speak Truth.

The depth of love determines the level of authority

King David was able to hear Nathan the Prophet when he came to him about his improper relationship with Bathsheba because their story didn’t start there.  The foundation of their interactions and the development of their relationship with each other started long before and was based on mutual love and respect as well as a shared history.  Nathan knew how to talk to David, and David knew that if Nathan was talking to him it was Truth he needed to hear.

It is the depth of love that determines the level of authority someone will be given.  Leaders are not exempt from the requirements of those living within the community that Paul begins this passage by laying out in verses 1-3.  Leaders should come from those who are modeling these things to the level that people are already following them.  Since leaders can only lead you where they are going, it’s important to have leaders who are going towards the goal of spiritual maturity that Paul lays out as the goal of our journey.  When leaders are going to that destination we will want to walk with them.