Sometimes when you’re abused you feel guilty – maybe you allowed yourself to participate in something you know is wrong. At least that’s how you perceive it – with or without the suggestion of the abuser – and unless someone challenges that it’s easy to think it’s your responsibility to fix it.
This is especially true if the abuse involved sexual activity. Especially in hyper religious contexts.
But it happens with other types of abuse too.
“If you say one more word I’m going to hit you . . . . ” and you don’t shut up.
“If you do X you will get a spanking. . . ” and you do X.
He hit you but, “It’s okay, it’s my fault. I made him mad.”
And somehow you’re feeling guilty and apologise to your abuser.
Make no mistake – no matter what you did, you did not deserve abuse.
Abuse is always wrong. Make no mistake – no matter what you did, you did not deserve abuse. And abusers rely on shame to get away with their abuse. So even if you did something “wrong” you bear no guilt for the abuse – the abuser does.
It’s also important to note that abuse is never an accident. No one accidentally rapes someone. No one accidentally slips a body part into a child’s sexual organs. No one accidentally beats another person. The abuser is actually enabled by their own shame – where they should feel guilt and take responsibility and change their behaviour and make amends, they wallow in shame and believe that doing these things is who they are and there’s nothing they can do to change it. It’s a shame cycle where they often abuse themselves and vow to never do it again, causing the “honeymoon period” of the abuse dynamic. They may in fact feel very badly about what they’ve done – but until they do the hard work of change they will continue to abuse. Until they deal head on with the reality of their behavior and choices they won’t make changes.
Abuse is sometimes described as a “dance.” It’s said that it takes two to dance – even this dance. Shame is not the answer – it’s the music that plays in the background for the dancers.
Accountability is vital for change. Personal accountability and holding the other person accountable. It requires outside help – voices that can speak into the situation and point out where the abuse is happening, and advise on how to respond. If you could fix the situation yourself it would already be fixed! There are great resources, there are people qualified to walk you through it, and there is a need to commit to walking a path of hard truth.
Those who have walked away from abuse gain a very important skill . . . they can recognise it when they see it again.
There is a reason that so many who have experienced abuse are under very intense stress since the 2016 election. Those who have walked away from abuse gain a very important skill . .. they can recognise it when they see it again.
Trump
McConnell
Kavanaugh
Graham
Sessions
So many who have been nominated and not approved, or nominate and approved, or hired and fired, or put in provisionally, etc.
Abusers manipulate, threaten, control, and benefit from the abuse. They are con men. And when someone who has danced that dance of abuse tells you that someone is an abuser, pay attention. If you can’t see it, you might be the one being conned.
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