Your Voice

I really believe that one of the most important things we can do for our children is to understand that they need a voice.  If we focus on making sure they keep their voice, while learning how to help them use it in a way that will help themselves and others instead of harming or hindering, we will be setting them up for safety and success in life.  Someone with a mature and strong voice will be able to protect themselves and others, fight against evil, and bring about change in their world!

Too often, when children use their voice immaturely, parents get offended by what is said or how it is said.  Too often, parents hear their child’s immature efforts at using their voice and try to correct the problems they hear by attempting to silence the child’s voice.  I get it  – 3, 4, and 5 year olds and their fledgling efforts . . . it’s not pretty.

Most of our fledgling efforts at new things aren’t pretty, though.  Most people don’t try to make their first painting and end up with it hanging in a museum.  Most people don’t try to cook for the first time and get offered a cooking show.  Most PEOPLE of any age who are learning to use their voice for the first time are offensive.

Just like the child learning to walk is going to fall; the child learning to talk is going to mis-use words; the child learning to ride a bike is going to wobble; and the person learning to use their voice and stand up for themselves and speak their mind is going to blunder.

I keep referring to the people doing these things because so many adults are in a position of learning this new-to-them skill because they were not allowed to do it as children.  This creates a problem later in life because not only do most people in this position not have anyone there to help fix things when they mess it up through not expressing themselves well, but they are in relationships and speaking to issues that are much more mature than the issues that a toddler/young child would be navigating.  While I think it is awesome when someone realizes that they were not allowed to express a voice but they do have one and God desires them to use it, I think it is so sad that they are having to navigate rougher waters as they do it.

I believe a person’s voice is given by God to serve them in what He has planned for their life.  Some people have softer voices and some have louder.  I truly believe that God gives you the voice you are supposed to have and I want to honor that in them.  I want to raise them up in the way *they* should go.  I think that in our culture there is a preference for women who have softer voices and most parents try to soften or silence their daughters who have louder voices.  To some extent many parents are more comfortable with boys having louder voices – but even then there is a discomfort with a boy who is considered “too loud” (whatever that means).

What if the intensity of the voice, or the volume of the voice, isn’t where we should be focusing our energy?  I want my children to effect change – for their own lives, for their friends and future families, and for the world.  That starts with knowing they have a voice, and how to use it effectively.

My children who have softer voices often need me to make it safe for them to speak up – including knowing I have their back before they speak and that I will help them if anything goes wrong.  If they get stuck I help them find the words; if they hurt someone I help them sort it out.  I want to honor their softer voice while helping them find and use it wisely.  Softer doesn’t have to mean silent; softer doesn’t need to result in a person with no boundaries.

My children who have louder voices often need me to be safe when I hear their voice.  I admit it, it’s a bit harder to hear at first.  When I’m a safe person for them to learn and practice with, they get the benefit of my feedback on how to be more effective when they use their voice.  I try to listen until I hear what they are trying to say, and really try to not get hung up on tone or words.  When I know what they are trying to say I can better help them say it.  I can talk to them about tone, word choice, timing – and about when to realize that loud silence might be the most appropriate response to a person or situation.

I think these lessons are easier to teach and learn when the issues are over the rules about when they can watch media, or how late they can stay up, or whether they can have ice cream for dinner, than when the issues are how to navigate a “friend” who is being cruel, a spouse who is being abusive, or a law that is unjust.  If they make all their fledgling steps during clean up of toys while I remember that their voice is the more important issue, I truly believe I am setting them up for success in life. Rather than dig in on what is going to happen with the actual clean up, I really do believe it serves the greater good to use it as a chance to help their voice.  If I let them play with the blocks longer because they were open to me working with them on how to pursue that goal in a respectful and mature way . . . yeah, I’m good with them playing a little longer if I can give that.  My plan for the moment is always going to take second place to my goals for their life.  The best parenting moments are done when we remember the big picture.

Soft and loud voices can effect change.  Silence born from the fear of using your voice allows evil to prosper and wrong to prevail.

 

 

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