Disappearing

Sometimes when I go through challenges I feel like I disappear. I wrap all up inside myself - into the safe cocoon of privacy. I may think, “That would be a good thing to share,” about this or that, but sharing feels too vulnerable. It feels too exposed.

This is where I found myself many times last year - and why I felt like a horrible blogger so many times. Now that last year is over, I find myself in a totally different head- and house-space, and I feel like a different person at times. I *want* to write - I *want* to share.

I want to talk about how horrific it was to go through the process of learning I had a tapeworm that had been slowly killing me for 21 years. How it felt to learn that I wasn’t imagining all of the systems in my body struggling and shutting down. How vindicated I felt after two decades of doctors sending me for psych evaluations instead of running tests.

I want to talk about the roller coaster of our housing situation last year - how our planned 3 year stay in the house we were in was turning into us being able to stay there for as long as we chose and our desire to hunker down and make a home, and then a corporation’s unemotional financial choices affected our landlords in a way that directly impacted us. We went from waiting for a new lease to be emailed to being in a totally new home in literally 2 weeks’ time.

I want to talk about my realizations about myself, and my family - and how amazing it has been to watch my oldest turning from boy to man in front of my eyes. How proud I have been watching him get his first job and have the chance to show how responsible he is in new ways.

I could keep going, and I do want to talk about so many things, but mostly I want to say that there really is a time for everything. There is a time to survive it all, and a time to share. I think this is the time to share - because I don’t feel like I need all the energy to survive anymore